Dear Son… Please Do Not Do This On Mother’s Day

A Mother here at FloraQueen has created this hypothetical open letter to her son offering some unexpected and surprising advice on how he may want to improve on his Mother’s Day celebration with her this year. A Mother’s role is to offer guidance to her children after all… isn’t it?

Darling,

I have clothed, fed, watered, reassured, nurtured, and loved unconditionally everything about you for many years of my life. I have permanent bags under my eyes, my body is tired from years of ninja-fighting the dinosaurs under your bed that only came out at night (and that only you could see). My jaw aches from all the fake smiles I had to wear, as I pretended to like the other parents who congregated in the playground on a weekday basis. But on the plus side, my immune system is bullet proof from years of sharing all the bugs with you, my nose is no longer sensitive to smells after having to change your nappies and I now have a tic that dictates I must turn around the very instant a child cries ‘Mummy’; regardless of the many years that have passed since you last called out like this.

So in lieu of all this – You now have a good job and your own place so may I request that this year you man up, pull your finger out and put some effort in to this Mother’s Day?

• Chocolate
  Remember last year? It didn’t take a genius to work out that the chocolate assortment you bought me last year was half price in Sainsbury’s. The huge Mother’s Day marketing banner stating this wouldn’t even get past the most stupid of people. It’s Mother’s Day and you know I don’t care for half of the chocolates in those mass produced assortments… And I’m allergic to nuts. You know I only like plain chocolate so trust me, some half-baked box of no brand Belgian chocolates from the Pound Shop is not likely to win me over is it? Nor do I require a £500 chocolate shoe from some artisan Willy Wonka who thinks that all because it looks like a Louboutin it will make me giddy with delight. No, you know the sort of chocolate I like; keep it simple and I’ll appreciate that.
• Flowers
  I don’t do pink, you know that. Please no pink carnations – remember that’s what your Grandmother used to buy me for my birthday every year? She did have an excuse though, she didn’t like me. Red, red is my favourite colour – and not red roses. Red roses from you are inappropriate, anything red and pretty are a good choice. Whether the flowers are delivered or presented to me in person I won’t mind but please make the message on the card yours – I can recognise the sentiments of a florist a mile off.
• Dinner
  Unless you have been having secret lessons from a Michelin starred chef then please don’t cook, you know I will only end up rehashing the bits that you haven’t messed up. You work at Canary Wharf, you have a decent job position (I am very proud of you), there are plenty of nice places in that area if you are not willing to travel too far. After all of the meals I have made you over the years  perhaps it’s time you returned the favour and wined and dined me for once.  Remember all the times I had to take you to McDonalds to stop your whining and I had to suffer the plastic seats and lack of cutlery, it’s time to grow up. Let’s eat somewhere pleasant.
• Card
  Should all of the above fail to materialise then I would be grateful if you could at least send me a decent card. Last year’s card with the slogan brandished across the front ‘Thank You Mum for Wiping My Bum’ was rather crass and not something I really wanted to display on the mantelpiece, I even had to remove it the evening the Dulwich Ladies Book Club were coming around for our monthly meeting. Pretty, elegant and reflecting the sophistication you recognise in me will suffice.

I hope this letter covers everything, I am very proud to call you my son and equally proud of all your achievements to date but as your Mother it is nice to know that even though you have flown the nest and are making your own way in the world, I am still here to guide you.

All my Love, Mum

X

P.S. Can you leave the girlfriend at home on Mother’s Day? I think Jessica is a lovely girl but I don’t think it’s appropriate to have her hanging around on our day.